[00:00:05] Speaker A: The Michael Hatfield ReMax team presents real Estate and more. Bay Area real estate is different than all of America and why? What's up with home buyers? What's on sellers minds, how is the market? And much, much more. Now here's your host, Michael Hatfield. Welcome to the Real Estate and More show and I'm so glad you're with us today because we have a truly special gu joining us. If you've ever struggled with or known someone affected by deep rooted daddy issues, well, we've got the conversation for you today on our show we have Mr. Dave Novak. Dave is a noted author. He is a pastor of long term experience and has a lot of great things to say. The name of his book is no More Dad Issues. No More Dad Issues. It's available on Amazon currently. And I have to tell you, he's got a lot to say. He travels across the country, he shares his insights and he helps great people find the healing that they may need. In our society, we have an issue and a lot of it has to deal with when a person grows up. So, Dave, welcome to the show.
[00:01:20] Speaker B: Hey, thank you. I'm really excited to be here. Happy to be here.
[00:01:23] Speaker A: Well, it's our pleasure for sure. Only part of your qualifications to write a book is being an author. You started out as a pastor and you were doing that for a long time. Tell us about that.
[00:01:36] Speaker B: Yeah, so I have been in ministry. I grew up as a PK, a pastor's kid and growing up into my 20s, I responded to the call of God to be a youth pastor. So I did that for close to 10 years. And then after that God put it on our heart, my wife and I to start a brand new church in the Sacramento area. And so we started off with nothing and kicked it off 2008 and yeah, it was quite the experience. I kind of have an entrepreneurial type spirit, so I love building things and we just got to see a lot of great things happen in the lives of people over the 15 years. And then in 20, 22 or 23, God spoke to me about leaving that after I wrote no More Dad Issues, to leave that and the ministry of pastoring and to now go and speak on the platform of this. And I didn't plan on it, but here we are Today, it's about 20 months later since that happened and God's doing some cool stuff.
[00:02:41] Speaker A: Wow. I've actually observed you and your wife, you work as a team and just do such a great job with getting this message out to people and I think it's Just incredibly important in our society today to address, you know, issues that can pop up. You do have children, don't you, also, so you get to practice what you preach.
[00:03:03] Speaker B: Yes, I have a 19 and a 21 year old. And, you know, speaking of dad issues, you know, there are things that I have to constantly work on as well, especially when you're aware of it, you've gone through it, and it's come to light, and you have a revelation of man. There's things I have to change.
Yeah, I get, you know, by default, we kind of slide into those as dads. And so, yeah, it's a constant work. And plus, I've told my kids several times, you're gonna need to read my book when you get older, because I'm leaving behind probably a little bit of dad issues myself. So.
[00:03:39] Speaker A: Yeah, I don't think so. I think you're pretty much on top of it. Why don't we define what dad issues actually are?
[00:03:46] Speaker B: Yeah, so it really comes from father wounds. Things that have happened in our past, in our life. And many times people can. They think that, you know, you go back to, well, it's serious abuse when, you know, it comes from the little things. I've heard people even say, you know, never came to my performances. My dad didn't show up at my games.
You know, just they. They just haven't felt the value. Maybe their dad walked out and they never met their dad. There are so many different things that impact us to where now we are carrying. Carrying unresolved issues. And so with these, you have this bottled up kind of frustrations, resentment, hurt, you're broken. And when you live that way unknowingly, it begins to just impact other areas of your life, from relationships to business to whatever environment you're in. And so that's what really happens when you have those kind of issues.
[00:04:49] Speaker A: Yeah, and I can see it. You know, it's interesting that you say abandonment is one of the sources wounds between a child and their father. And in my job that I had prior, I look back on it, I'm thinking, you know, it's the job. You know, you're flying airplanes all over the place, and you have a type of abandonment right there. And I think being serious about it and what you can do about it as a father and a wife or a spouse is very important. When you say so.
[00:05:25] Speaker B: Yeah, so. And, you know, one reason is, is you look in the scripture in Proverbs, and it says that the fathers are the glory of their children. Well, my greatness, my identity, My value really comes with this, this man who I want to be great in my life. I think he's the hero, he's the big guy. And when that's not there, the value and your identity is, you know, more unknown. And so that's why it's so important for dads to be present.
[00:05:53] Speaker A: So emotional scars result when these type of elements interject themselves between a father and a child. So you were talking. The last time that I heard you speak, you were talking on the merits discussed in your book no More Dad Issues. And by the way, that's available on Amazon currently. You can pick up a copy of that. It's really a great read. I strongly suggest that you help Dave out because he's not struggling at all, but it will definitely help him to write additional books in the future and I think it's a great thing. So pick it up from Amazon. No More dad Issues. So how did the subject of this book come to your mind? How did you become inspired right from the beginning? Where did it happen?
[00:06:42] Speaker B: Well, there was something great that happened earlier in my 20s that really brought healing and we can jump into that. But where things really took off was, you know, my, my dad and I, who was a pastor and we were both ministers, we had a pretty bad relationship and there would be seasons where it was okay, but then there were many times seasons where it was rough, wouldn't talk to each other, wouldn't talk to each other, real hurtful, harmful.
I had a lot of bitterness and I didn't know how to get rid of it. And frustration with him. And then here he is dealing with this kid who's, you know, has these issues towards him. And with that being said, I didn't want to go into his funeral lying. I didn't want to make it sound like, hey, things were great, we were buddies and all of that. I really wanted to go in, I wanted to honor him, but I wanted to be honest about our relationship. It wasn't that great. And I think my dad was proud of me doing that, that we were able to be honest and open. And so there were a lot of well known people in our church world that were there. And when I got done, I didn't plan on having a big impact, but it really did. And I had some very key people come up and say, you know, you need to write that, you know, write a book and put that in a book. And for me I was like, I don't want to cheat what I'd done here. This was for my dad to honor him. But as the months, you know, you know, probably six months or so later, I just felt like the Lord said, no, I'm telling you to write the book. And so went ahead. And the book is about my story, where I'm at today, that healing in your dad wounds you don't wait until they pass away. Many people think, well, my dad's gone, then things will get better for me. When I've known people that their dad has passed away and they're upset at a man who is no longer alive.
[00:08:40] Speaker C: We're going to take a short break. We'll be right back.
[00:08:43] Speaker A: REMAX.
[00:08:47] Speaker D: The Real Estate Minute with RE Max expert Michael Hatfield Bay Area housing markets are always changing. What should we think of that, Michael?
[00:08:55] Speaker E: You know, Mark Twain said, I seldom saw an opportunity until it ceased to be one. We live in the greatest housing market in the nation, but careful thoughts should be given each time one buys or sells a home. A good agent can help you grasp a great opportunity.
[00:09:11] Speaker D: Tell us about discount agents.
[00:09:12] Speaker E: Discount agents can list your home, but without telling my secrets, they're unlikely to do all we do for clients. It's an unnecessary risk to save a few thousand by hiring a junior agent and lose tens of thousands through a poorly done transaction. You don't know what you don't know. It's wise to hire someone who does.
[00:09:30] Speaker D: If you or someone you know is interested in buying or selling a home, call the Michael Hatfield ReMax team at 925-322-7775 or go to michaelhatfieldhomes.com when your real estate needs are beyond the standard and you demand more than the status quo, look no further than the Michael Hatfield ReMax, a court team with offices in Danville and nine more Bay Area locations. Here's Michael Hatfield to tell us more.
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[00:10:44] Speaker E: Now back to our show.
[00:10:47] Speaker B: And so we've got to deal with these issues and have a better quality life, you know.
[00:10:52] Speaker A: Interesting. Right along those lines, I like country music.
[00:10:56] Speaker B: Oh, me too.
[00:10:57] Speaker A: Yeah. And Cody Johnson, George Strait. George is my. My friend, by the way.
[00:11:01] Speaker B: Oh, really?
[00:11:01] Speaker A: No.
Anyway, the point I was gonna make is Cody Johnson did this song till you can't.
And I don't know if you heard it, but I know when you leave here today, you're gonna have to pull that up because that song is right down that vein that you just. You just talked about it. The words, the lyrics are just amazingly close. You know, you can always put a ring on her hand until you can't. You can always do some fishing with your dad until you can't. And it's just a phenomenal, phenomenal, phenomenal book or record. So check that one out. So go on. I'm sorry, we were talking about. Any particular reason you think people just struggle for so long? I mean, if a. If a child has dad issues, they have these issues for a long, long time. They have a hard time getting over them.
[00:11:57] Speaker B: Yeah, well, there's a few things that I've noticed that have shown up in me, but also other people, you know, more and more I come in contact with different men and women is we have issues like we have a bitter spirit. And since we've been carrying that with our father for whatever reason or reasons now, it's. We just carry that into other situations and environments and with people. And we don't see that authority issues. We've had a hard time, you know, authority ripped us off, cheated us, and now we're on the defense and we want respect from authority. We. No one's gonna tell us, you know, and going along with the program, it's hard to cooperate. Approval addiction, you know, for me, that was a deal performance because, you know, the, you know, if you would only do this or you can be this much better. That was great. But. And so for me, it was.
[00:12:54] Speaker A: I'm guilty of that one.
[00:12:55] Speaker B: Okay. And. And performance. Many people. This is what I've learned is most people who have anxiety, it comes from a performance, a performance anxiety, because they have this pressure to perform and do really well, and they're uneasy. And so when I heard that, I'm like, I got a little bit of that.
[00:13:15] Speaker A: You know, I realized when I was going to training on an airplane, they would put you in the simulator and it just be a tremendous stress generator in that simulator. So you go down and you have to prove yourself every six months. And you have every emergency under the book. And you come home because you're always looking for things that are not right. It's not the things that are right. You're always looking for the things that are not right. So you come home and, you know, you throw your flight bag and your suitcase down and you take a nap. You get up and you suddenly realize that you're doing that with your family as well.
So airline pilots, Same kind of deal?
[00:13:54] Speaker B: Yes. Yeah. When you have a job that you know is high stress level, of course you're going to do that. And also this is where dad is. You can hit is. You know, your dad, his career may have been more important or his addiction, whatever it is that took you away to where you've lost value. Like you. You don't value me. Why aren't you there for me? And you know, so those. There's so many different ways. And another way that it, you know, it shows itself is when we start making reckless decision decisions and we have behavior to where he didn't care and why should I? So who cares about anything or anyone? And so we develop habits, we have toxic relationships, can't keep a job or poor work ethic, whatever it is, those things start to show up. Because I don't really care that much either. He didn't.
[00:14:48] Speaker A: You know, it's. It's an interesting thing. My father, I had a great, great father and mom. And they were the American dream type, you know, but they would fuss and they would fuss at me and, you know, just. That's the way that you grow up.
[00:15:03] Speaker B: Right?
[00:15:04] Speaker A: But he was more stoic, I think, than what I would have liked.
Looking back, you know, instead of telling me, I would have to pick it up through the subconscious in some way nowadays, you know, hey, Dave, pick up your clothes. You know, it's one of those, hey, Michael, pick up that up. You know, clean your room, you know, this kind of a deal. But in my day, when I grew up, and I'm a bit older vintage than you pop was, he was stoic. But I always knew what corner he was in. And he was always in my corner. He had, as an example, he had a health issue and they removed a lung. And he would still make it to my ball games as best he could. And I always knew that he was there. But I like getting all of that through a lot of senses. I don't know how you feel, but if you have somebody that loves you, you don't want to just read it on a text or see it in an email. You want to take it in through your hearing. You want to feel it, you want to see it. You want as many of those senses telling you about that. And I think fathers today, they're so overloaded with the job and what they do and just trying to be a breadwinner and it's tough.
[00:16:30] Speaker C: We're Michael and Nancy Hatfield, experienced agents who enthusiastically represent buyers and sellers. Sellers wishing to buy or sell their home. 2025 could be your year in the marketplace to buy or even to sell.
[00:16:44] Speaker A: You ask why? The number of sellers and buyers in our current housing market is somewhat limited. Therefore, any lowering of mortgage rates or reduced taxes or reduced inflation or an economic improvement will drive this market in home prices even higher, possibly creating a lost opportunity for buyers. It is time to move on your dreams and take action before your housing quest is left behind.
[00:17:12] Speaker C: If you or anyone you know is interested in buying or selling a home, please contact us at 925-322-7775. And let's talk about your housing dreams.
[00:17:30] Speaker A: It's not easy.
[00:17:31] Speaker B: Yeah. And you know a couple of things, too. And I know many people relate to this. Growing up, I don't remember my dad telling me he loved me. Physical affection wasn't something that was there. And when you, when you're missing some key things like that and you just long for that, you have. And then you have like some poor, difficult things that have come up, some poor relationships or toxic behavior. Now you're wondering this, and I think for so many people, and I haven't been able to put my finger on it until recently is I'm pretty sure. And I know my dad loves me under the layers, but I don't know if my dad likes me.
And there is something way different to where I know he's committed to take care of things. I know, but does it, does he. Is he interested in me? Does he want to be a part of my life? And that is really been something in my life to where I want my kids and I'm interested in you. I want to be around you. I want to spend time with you. What do you want to do? And when we don't, when we go up, grow up with that question of I, I know, I know he's there. I know there's love. I know I didn't hear it or feel it, but I know it's there. I just wonder how much my dad was like I was important, that he liked me enough. And so that's pretty heavy for some but it's a, it's a reality.
[00:18:48] Speaker A: It's hard to get those tools as a, as a dad because you're always being deflected or distract into some other area. It's like, oh my gosh, you know, the car needs tires, got to take that down. And you know, it's always something.
[00:19:02] Speaker B: Right.
[00:19:03] Speaker A: That gets in the way of that. So it's nothing. I would say in your case, it's. I think every child is likely to want the approval of their father.
[00:19:14] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:19:15] Speaker A: And how you get that approval is how well you do later in life by not having or having emotional scars and dad issues.
[00:19:25] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:19:25] Speaker A: You think, yo.
[00:19:26] Speaker B: Yeah, definitely. And you know, I've, I tell people a lot of times you're never going to grow out of it. It's not going to all of a sudden be gone. There's something that you have to deal with. And I was able to have a key moment with the Lord and a life changing encounter. But I've known people, they thought they would go away or they didn't have, think they had anything. And for instance, I was at a women's event, I actually spoke at a women's event about this and I had a lady come and talk to me as I was signing some books. She was 73 and she came to me and said, you know what? Today, now I know why I've had poor relationships with men and I'll let men into an extent, but I keep them away because I don't want to be hurt again. My dad hurt me so much. And so she was 73 and it just dawned on her, but I mean, thank God she was only 73 and, you know, life could change. And so it was now, you know, so the intimacy portion is there and so strong. But we don't want to live life that long when we don't need to, you know. And so. But God can heal us.
[00:20:35] Speaker A: Yeah. Now you mentioned a special event.
[00:20:38] Speaker B: Yes.
[00:20:38] Speaker A: That happened to you. Can you give us a little bit on that? Pastor Dave?
[00:20:43] Speaker B: Yeah, One thing is, you know, the big lie that I talk about in my book is that if my dad changes, then I can change, then we can change. So the issue is his issue until he tackles the issue. And that's why I have mine, et cetera.
But the truth of the matter is this. Our issue is my issue now. And I can't change him. I can't get him to do anything. And so I was in a service and there was a kind of a skit, a drama thing that was portraying a pastor and his son, and they had a lot of conflict. And a pastor would kind of give some tidbits on how to improve this relationship and make it better. And it was a pastoral type event. And so I was looking over to the area where my dad usually sat, and here I am in my mid-20s, and I keep looking there, hoping that he's here, that he sees it, that he's listening, that he can change something so we can get better. And I hold the herd. The Holy Spirit just interrupt me in my looking back and just interrupted me and just said, david, your dad isn't here. I don't want him here because I want to change and heal you. And when he did that, it just the person, you know, the personal relationship with God to where he was like, I'm going to be everything you need. You're not going to need to look to him. You're going to get my approval, you're going to get my love, you're going to get my encouragement. And I knew there was something inside of me. I knew, now I have the answer. And the book is all about that. Like, now you have the answer, now you can move forward, and now you can begin to grow. And it wasn't about trying to build back that relationship with my dad because I can't make him reconcile. My thing was I just want to be a better man. I want to be a better father, husband, etc.
[00:22:35] Speaker A: Wow, that's a really powerful story.
[00:22:37] Speaker B: Yeah, it was incredible, man.
[00:22:39] Speaker A: You're never gonna ever forget that one.
[00:22:41] Speaker B: Yeah. Life changing.
[00:22:43] Speaker A: Do you have any other stories that you've heard from other people in your congregation that have father issues and they're interesting for our audience.
[00:22:54] Speaker B: Yeah. So, you know, one thing in the book that, you know, when you write a book, you're just writing your story and you don't know how it's going to affect people. But I've had people mention basically what they were going through. And I said words in the book that resonated with them. They couldn't put it into words, but I'll mention things, and right away it hits them and it pierces their heart and it exposes, like, the brokenness, which gives them hope for healing. But I had one friend of mine, he read it, and his dad had been gone for about 11 years, and he said, man, when I read this, it just hurt my heart. And he broke down in tears because he realized he was carrying that against his dad. And it was in that moment to where, you know, he understood. I've been angry at My dad for dying, he's been, you know, I mean, it's so crazy how these things impact us. We don't even know. And so when he realized that, that was a beginning of, okay, there's hope for healing. And so I go in and I speak at Folsom Prison.
And I've been in there with different people, you know, maximum security level four murders or whatever. And they don't even realize they have dad issues. And we get to talking and we have these tough, hardcore men breaking down in tears now realizing where it came from.
[00:24:16] Speaker A: Isn't there a huge percentage that have dad issues in penitentiaries?
[00:24:21] Speaker B: Oh, absolutely. I think it's 90%. Don't have their dad. Didn't have their dad in their life. And there was one man, he was like 89, and they called him Doc. And he came to one of our small group meetings. I was taking him through my book, and Doc was in there, and he was kind of blown away with how real these guys were getting. He missed the first couple of weeks, and he came back the next following week and he was sitting there in tears. And he said, you know what, it was pretty heavy last week, what you guys said. But I realized I needed to forgive my dad. He was 89, 89. And he said, I want to be better for my kids and my grandkids, even though I'm in here.
[00:25:00] Speaker A: You know, it's interesting. My son and my daughter, they credit my parents as being, you know, pivotal factors. I don't know if they try to make me jealous or whatever, but in their life. And I did notice that they were much more loving, less stoic than they were with me when I was growing up. So over time, people learn. And I guess it matters that you learn, not necessarily. When you do, it's better if you do learn it earlier, but other.
[00:25:29] Speaker C: We're gonna take a short break. We'll be right back.
[00:25:34] Speaker E: There's a shortage of Bay Area homes for sale, and you've been watching home prices ris year after year. And now your home is worth a great deal more. And you're thinking, time for something new. Why not sell before interest rates and market conditions change everything? You'd like experts who can help you get the best deal possible. Negotiate on your behalf and work hard to ensure a smooth transition. List your home with us. If you're buying or selling a home, call us now.
[00:26:01] Speaker F: Working with Michael and Nancy. I was a first time homebuyer and I was very nervous about the process. I didn't really know what to Expect Michael and Nancy were able to take that fear away from me and answered all of my questions. They were right by my side the entire time, and they really helped me find the perfect home for me. And I'm so thankful for excellence in real estate.
[00:26:21] Speaker D: Call the Michael Hatfield ReMax team at 925-322-7775 or go to michaelhatfieldhomes.com now back to our show.
[00:26:34] Speaker A: So if we were to say what was the most important thing for people to learn at a young age to avoid these dad issues, what. What would you say would happen? I mean, what would it. What should a person do?
[00:26:49] Speaker B: I. You know, as much as we can, if we're able to. And I learned this later, into my, you know, late 20s, going into my 30s. If we can somehow understand and know the story of our fathers.
Because more than likely the way they're treating you is a default that they got. And they're just. Without even knowing and I've done it. They're just repeating the cycle. But it's when you take time to understand, it's, you know, for me, it dawned on me, and I write again. I write about it in the book. How could have my dad have known? My dad was thrown into orphanages, foster homes, he got into crime. He was in juvenile hall, youth authorities went to prison. And he went through all of this. His dad wasn't in his life. His uncle beat him with hoses.
All. I mean, once you learn that, it's like, man, my dad had a crappy life. For me to just go through the issues that I have, I'm actually almost lucky. And so if we can somehow. I had to get past the resentment and hurt to be able to look at. There could be a reason for this. I don't want to let him off the hook, but there could be a reason for this. And that comes with maturity, too. That's not an easy place to get.
[00:28:04] Speaker A: Now I think I remember a real key point, and you may be saving it for the conclusion. If a person is looking to be able to deal with these internally, these issues, then you gotta have to go to the bank. And your bank is not as big as God's bank. Yeah, gotta think about that. Maybe a little bit more on that. You think? You got some great words on that. You know, your bank, I mean, you don't have the tools. Whereas your faith and believing, it's limitless.
[00:28:39] Speaker B: Yeah, well, and a big part of it is going to our dad's bank that we are trying to make withdrawals. I call it like a love bank, a bank of love. And we're trying so hard to get the love we need from our dad and the way he that we need it, what we need with the times we need it and we're going and we're trying to take withdrawals and not understanding there's insufficient funds. It's just never going to be able to fulfill completely. Maybe some.
But when we understand that we have the father of compassion, the God of love whose bank account never runs dry. He's full of love. It's in abundance.
The word compassion means to suffer with. He hurts for what hurts us and wants to heal us and help us through. And so I just try to encourage people with that. This is where you get to know really the love of the father, the true Father who won't mess up, cheat you, do you wrong and will always be patient with where you are in gentle. And so when we can start moving down that road, we find more and more healing. It's not, you know, and again, you know, what we need is also in that bank is the grace to forgive. Which it can be difficult. But I share in the book as well that forgiveness is not a one time decision but a daily rehearsal to where man, I want to live a life of forgiveness. I don't want to live a life of bitterness and resentment, but I want to begin to forgive my dad. And if every day it has to be something repeated, then I will. Because forgiveness is setting a prisoner free and then finding out the prisoner was you.
[00:30:21] Speaker A: Yeah, boy. All really good, good information. And that basically wraps up our episode. We could have talked for another half hour. I'm going to have to have Dave back on the show. He's the author of no More Dad Issues and we're just blessed to have him on the show today talking about his book. He also has another one coming up that is also out on Amazon and that one is called Fearless Men.
[00:30:47] Speaker B: And it is conquering the struggles, insecurities and pressures of your soul that threaten your soul. And so that came out September of 2014 for just for Men.
[00:30:58] Speaker A: Wow. Just so great to have you on today. Well, thank you for being on the show today, Pastor Dave Novak.
[00:31:04] Speaker B: Absolutely.
[00:31:05] Speaker A: Author of no More Dad Issues and the new book, which is your homework because he just said it and the name of it. And it's going to be out, I guess right now, right?
[00:31:15] Speaker B: Yep. Anywhere books are sold on all of these. Yeah.
[00:31:18] Speaker A: That's great. That that's probably your partner doing all that.
[00:31:21] Speaker B: She's.
[00:31:21] Speaker A: She's really something. Yeah. So thanks to all of our listeners for tuning in. And you've been listening to the Real Estate and More show. And I'm your host, Michael Hatfield. We'll be back in a moment with our next special guest. Stay tuned.
[00:31:33] Speaker E: Please remember to go to our new YouTube handle, my real Talk Show. That's My real Talk
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[00:32:14] Speaker A: It.
